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Re-Learning to Do the Right Things for the Right Reasons for Whoever You Are Right Now

Everything in our lives is a choice. We choose words, actions, experiences, and relationships. Every moment of everyday is a series of small and large choices.  There are three potential reasons why we make our choices in life.

1.       Fear of repercussions- Society is chock full of guidelines, rules and associated repercussion at all levels. We are conditioned to adhere blindly to these when making choices at the cost of knowing and trusting our own inner guide for fear of the repercussions.  

2.       Desire for acceptance & love- Many choices are based in a desire for acceptance by others, someone in particular, a group, community, organization or society as a whole. Again at the cost of considering and turning to your inner self for guidance.  

3.       Intuitive knowing and guidance by your inner self- Only you know the right choice for you at any given moment during your constant evolutionary process of life. We all have the natural ability to love and trust ourselves and turn to our inner selves for guidance in life, we are just conditioned not to use it and have become out of practice.

For the most part, we are all conditioned and taught to automatically (subconsciously) make choices based on the first two reasons. Think about how heavily both sides of this coin are ingrained into us in every aspect of life from birth on. We are never taught about the self-love and self-acceptance that allows us the freedom to trust our own inner knowing. It’s just not taught and there are very few role models from which to learn it. In fact the opposite is true. Most of our experiences (especially during childhood when our behavioral patterns are being formed) reinforce the first and second choice making mindsets within us. And so we spend much of our lives giving up our inherent emotional/spiritual power and living in fear of punishment and a fear of not being loved and accepted should we follow our own true inner voice.

What does intuitive knowing and guidance look like?

In its ideal form you love and trust yourself. You look inward for split second guidance to make choices. Through the long evolutionary experience of life you will make choices that resonate positively with your inner self and those that do not. Because you love yourself you are able to access and adjust accordingly based on wherever and whoever you are at that particular moment in your life. Without labeling yourself and suppressing and internalizing fear and shame, you recognize an internally based desire to make a varying choice next time and move freely on to the next moment with this new self-directed insight. The concept of learning lessons from life is a valid but the notion of carrying it around like baggage for the rest of your life is weighing us down. The idea of learning lessons based on others or societies expectations of us at that very moment is dysfunctional. When you know and love yourself and are comfortable trusting your inner voice you are more able to accept that some choices did not serve you well without punishing or judging yourself. You are able to move on without that emotional burden and keep moving in the natural flow of your life.

The right thing is different for everyone, every day.

We are each unique and always evolving. The saying “you never step in the same river twice” is profoundly true. What you find to intuitively be the right choice for who you are at any given time will change. So again, you are not self-labeling. The long series of choices in your life do not become “who you are” they were simply made by whoever you were at the time that you made them. Your self- loving, self-trusting self is moving onward and always in the flow of the now without carrying shame. Since we experience and recognize this within ourselves we also become able to respect the same process going on for others. You might not have made the choice that someone else made but if they have truly made it based on reason #3 (again this is ideal, keep reading and you’ll see where I am going with this) you respect their choice and the importance that plays in their own evolutionary process, still holding them in high regard with love and respect.

I know what you’re going to say…  

But Kristen, what about the heinous and stupid crap that people do to each other every day? How can you keep people from doing that if you don’t threaten them with repercussions or reward them with love and acceptance? I would say that we have cultivated this in individuals with the very system of teaching people to use reasons 1 & 2 to make decisions rather than teaching them the fundamentals of life such as self- love, intuition and knowing and trusting their inner selves. If everyone were fundamentally taught to love and trust themselves, to look inward and trust their own intuitive inner knowing to guide their choices in life we wouldn’t have all of the systemic issues in our society that foster the development of these behavioral patterns in the first place.

Wait! There is one more thing.

I know what else you’re probably thinking. “Great idea Kristen, I can see it, but it’s too late, our society is too much of a mess for this, what good is going to do if I start living and interacting with others based on this concept, society as whole would collapse if we got rid of behavioral motivators 1 & 2.” Well here is the thing (and I’d like to thank someone whom I think is awesome, for putting this reminder on my chalkboard wall) “be the change you wish to see in the world”! Live by example, teach the children, pebbles on the pile.  By having the experience yourself of consciously making decisions based on the third reason/process, you will be forever changed. After a while the process will become subconscious and more automatic and you will find that it changes the way you perceive things.  Others will learn by example which is exactly how we all ended up learning to adopt the decision making behavioral patterns of 1 & 2 in the first place.

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Replacing Fear with Self-confidence

You know that crappy feeling in your gut when something is going on (in your mind usually) and you feel that old familiar feeling of fear brewing? It sucks and the sooner you can dissipate it, the more able you become to face and move away from whatever it is that is stimulating that feeling of fear inside you.

First let’s look at where the fear coming from? Putting aside the “I’m in the jungle facing a lion who is about to eat me” situation, fear is almost always an emotion that we generate or at least fuel within ourselves. The catalysts might be an event or person or situation in life but ultimately the extent to which that fear takes hold is determined within each of us. In most cases you can trace the root of fear to one of these causes:

1.      Indecision: Once we know what course of action we want to take, we feel confident and inspired to move forward.

2.      Doubt: Once we eliminate doubt the end result becomes irrelevant because we have full acceptance, confidence and self-love right here, right now and nothing more needs to occur. We have replaced out self-doubt with confidence and self-love.

When we become decisive and self-confident that  fear becomes replaced with resolve, ingenuity, enthusiasm & visions forwhatever greater future we see ourselves moving toward as well as acceptance for who and where we are right now.  At this point, no matter what is going on in your life you become infinitely more capable of navigating it with peace in your heart  and focused energy and vision in your mind.

So how can you move from indecision & doubt to decisiveness and confidence? By trusting your intuition and leaning into your own self-love you can quickly move from fear paralysis to inspired action. We all already have the answers within us, within our own consciousness. We have just been taught to look outside of ourselves for the answers. We have been taught to take a much less productive course of action when it comes to thinking through problems and our own emotions. Rather than looking within, becoming comfortable with our own intuitive knowing and moving forward confidently, we are taught to think about outside solutions, influences, possible outcomes and weigh and second guess all possible outcomes. At which point we either choose a course of action and hope for the best or choose to do nothing and remain in our situation.

We’ve all done this because we learn it through the conditioning of almost everyone around us. Few of us are blessed with a role model who teaches us by example, how to trust our intuition and move forward confidently when faced with a pivot point in life. Nope. We’re going to think that stuff through, make a bunch of list, weigh the pros and cons of every choice and overthink ourselves right into a deeper and more gripping fear.

How much of your fear is really based on the fact that intuitively you know you are not following your heart, not being true to yourself?

Ask yourself this. How much of your fear is really based on the fact that intuitively you know you are not following your heart, not being true to yourself? How much of it is bases on the idea that you are letting yourself downby seeking answers outside of yourself? Probably a lot of it! In this way all of that thinking and planning and strategizing just erodes your self-confidence and your connection to your inner self.

Try Something different! The next time you feel fear creeping in (fears about money, love, your station in life, a specific event or situation, which college to choose or job to take- whatever!)  try this approach.

  • Close your eyes and take several deep breaths
  • Let your body relax
  • Remind yourself by repeating aloud or in your head “I am wise and true and good and kind, I know intuitively, within me, exactly what I need to do”  repeat this several times as you continue to take deep breaths.
  • Let the fear feeling come for a visit and as it rolls around ask yourself “is this fear coming fromindecision or doubt”
  • Allow the answer to arise within you
  • If the root of the fear is indecision then repeat with each deep breath“I have the all of the answers within me and I intuitively know what to do”  Do this several times.
  • Next take a very deep breath and state “my decision is to_______” let your heart, mind and intuition fill in the blank with whatever comes first to mind.
  • If the root of the fear is doubt then repeat with each deep breath all of the positive features about yourself that prove this doubt wrong. For example if your fear is about a job that you are loosing you might repeat “I am highly skilled and will find an even better position that speaks to my soul “I am an amazing teacher and will find an even more flexible and rewarding position.” Etc. 

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5 Daily Ways to Increase Self-love

 

When it comes to practicing self-love there are no down sides. It only makes life better! Despite the selfie nature of our modern lives, self-love is often last on our list of priorities & daily practices. That’s just nuts in my book. The old airplane adage “Please put your own oxygen mask on before assisting others” applies here. Do you want more love in your life? Well guess what? Your ability to engage with love in the world increases dramatically when you foster it authentically from within first.   Like everything, the more you practice it, the more it will grow. Here are 5 quick easy ways to develop more self-love.

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The 3 step process to release rather than suppress negative emotions

Cheat Sheet

Emotions play a vital role in our existence

  • Emotions, sentiment, and passion are part of being alive and connecting with others.
  • Emotions often alert us to issues which we must choose to either work to resolve (take action) or choose to accept (allow the emotion to be released and return ourselves to balance).

Suppressing emotions is bad for you

  • Suppressing emotions causes stress.
  • Suppressing emotions can cause serious mental illness.
  • Suppressed  emotions negatively affect your physical health and well-being.  
  • Suppressed emotions wreak havoc in your subconscious mind and contribute to future negative life experiences.  

You have 3 choices when a negative emotion comes on the scene

  1. Address and/or fix the issue, if possible.
  2. Express your emotions if you can’t fix or address the issue.
  3. Suppress your emotions by denying that something painful happened to you!

 

Monday evening I found out that a friend of mine had passed away unexpectedly. Tuesday afternoon I received news that made me equally sad and joyful (that’s a weird feeling). So I spent the better part of the rest of Tuesday afternoon on the kitchen floor, propped up against the cabinets with my legs spread out like a four year old, crying and drinking iced tea.  

I’m proud of myself for this! The more we take off the “I’m ok mask” the more able we become to live our true, fullest and healthiest lives. Much of what we learn through our societal conditioning teaches and encourages us to adopt the practice of suppressing emotions.  That’s insane when you consider that emotional suppression causes system wide dysfunction and disease.

How suppressed emotions affects our bodies, our minds and our life experiences.

When you suppress an emotion it does not go away, it goes deeper! Rather than absolving and dissipating the negative emotional energy, we hold onto it unconsciously. Deeply rooted in our subconscious it then affects our bodies, our minds and our life experiences. Emotions create peptide and chemical signals which are sent to our cells.  The idea of sickness and disease being related to emotional dis’ease is now well documented in science. The suppressed negative emotions can often be a constant undercurrent to thinking patterns and loss of awareness and presence. They contribute to ongoing and worsening mental health issues, again this is not speculation but well documented. Deeply rooted and hard at work in our subconscious mind, the ramifications of the suppressed emotions play out time and time again subconsciously drawing us toward negative life experiences as we move forward.     

Signs you are suppressing an emotion

  • You distract yourself.
  • You avoid triggers that bring up an emotion (such as talking about a painful subject).
  • You find ways to blame others or circumstances for the pain.
  • You are using Substance abuse, eating disorders, or other additive type behavior as an escape.   

The 3 step process to release rather than suppress negative emotions.

  1. Stop and fully acknowledge and explore what happened to create the emotion. Remind yourself that you are not what happens to you. For example if a someone is cruel to you and you suppress the emotion you are likely attaching it to some feeling of self-worth, lack of self-love, some sense that you might somehow be deserving of the treatment. By spending time acknowledging the experience you become able to see it more logically and release the emotion in a healthy way.
  2. Let it out. A good practice can be to change your location, go to a place and body position where you will be free of distractions and allow the emotions to become fully present and released in whatever way feels natural. I sit on the kitchen floor crying. Some people may like to moan, to scream, to bang their fist on something (be careful!) but allow all of that energy to just be released in way that it feels called to be. Focus on your breathing, try not think, process or attach thoughts to the emotion at this point, just let it surface.
  3. Thank your emotions and look for the good that can come. Negative emotions are often illuminating something for us. A place to learn and grow, providing a catalyst for change perhaps? What light can you see within the darkness?  

Of course the best approach is to lessen your exposure to negative events & experiences in your life. Are you ready to make the shift from existing to thriving and take an active approach to how the whole rest of your life unfolds? Check out Miracle Space- I would love to work with you. 

 

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Why taking off the “I’m ok” face is critical to Evolving your Soul Wisdom

You don’t want to let your whole life become the ghost in you.

In preparation for my new course, Miracle Space, I’m doing a three week series to share some of the ideas and topics that we will explore in it. Be sure to follow my Instagram and Facebook pages to see even more from the series.  Sign up for my newsletter to be the first to know when enrollment opens.

Soul Wisdom is the product of your evolution. It is what your soul craves, it comes from learning. From experiences both joyful and painful. Those “mistakes” are just your soul asking you to learn and grow, to listen, to become self-observant and evolve your soul through them. If you ignore your souls calling and keep making the same mistakes, it will eventually stop checking in with you and you will always be what you have always been. Your soul will say, “see ya next time around.”  You don’t want to let your whole life become the ghost in you.  

Are you still maintaining the status quo, acceptable to the masses, persona that comes so naturally yet is so unnatural.

This is a powerful and important insight you can gift yourself. It gives you the permission to stop putting on your “I’m ok face”- both to yourself and others. To stop and become self-observant, self-aware and ask yourself, “what is my soul calling me to here?” Maybe you said or did something you wish you hadn’t ? Maybe you had a great achievement or feeling you did not truly celebrate and relish? It works both ways.  A few years back, I made a conscious decision to start doing this. I’ve grown more comfortable sharing both my triumphs and vulnerabilities with others, as well as looking at them more objectively within myself.   And guess what? Not only did the world not stop turning (as I had feared it might) but it got richer, deeper, more real. This is a constant growth process, you don’t just flip a switch,  but the more you do it, the more it synergizes and supports its own growth. Becoming more objectively self-aware you can now stop and reflect and consciously choose how to integrate your feelings and experiences and move forward instead of subconsciously focusing your efforts on maintaining  the status quo, acceptable to the masses, persona that comes so naturally yet is so unnatural.

In doing this you not only free yourself of emotional baggage (you’d be surprised to find out how and where that stuff is mucking up your soul system) but you also give others permission to do the same through your example and  acceptance of  their soul growth as well.

Hopefully you are following my weekly live "Wednesday's at 1" Facebook videos. You can always go back and check them out there. You can also find the archives of the videos on YouTube!

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You don’t have to know yourself to be yourself (in fact it’s probably better that way)

Maybe we should trade in knowing ourselves for being ourselves? 

Maybe we should trade in knowing ourselves for being ourselves? 

You don’t have to know yourself to be yourself (in fact it’s probably better that way)

 

I am huge fan of being yourself which I’ve realized lately is different than knowing yourself. Who am I? IDK and I don’t much care. It seems to me that in defining ourselves, we immediately limit ourselves. All possibilities are limitless until you apply the limits of your own thinking. Boundaries are an illusion of the mind. Reflect on your own triumphs for a moment and I think you will agree that you are capable of anything. What we do and how we show up in life changes from moment to moment. In trying to define those things and ourselves & others are we not just applying limits, judgment and expectations? And wait, then are we living in the moment, enjoying the journey? Hell to the NO.

 

Your are not the same person you were when you started reading this post. You are turning over 96 million cells per minute. You have been introduced to ideas that you are synthesizing and are possibly shifting your mindset. “Always changing you are” as Yoda might say.  So why not just be that person whoever he or she is and revel in that? Being you is quite liberating and changes from day to day, moment to moment.

I don’t know "who" you are but I do know that you are a radiant journey of spirit- be that, and as my Dad always tells me… “enjoy the journey.”  

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