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self-esteem

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The Importance of Not Accepting the Stories That Others Try to Project Upon You

Always remember that you are the author of your own story- the Captain of your soul!

I talk a lot about vision and the importance of holding a positive vision both for yourself and those around you (what a gift!). I cannot stress how important this is! A vision can be positive or negative though so it’s helpful to beware of how they can seep into your mind and your life.  Every once in a while someone comes along and tries to tell me a story about myself and then I get to choose whether I accept and internalize it, or reject it.  This happened recently and so I’ve reflected on the now objective hilarity of a few other times when I rejected the stories of others in my life. Once you realize you have that choice and exercise your choice it becomes easier and easier to do so. Once you break free from the socialization of others you become more able to see it objectively and better able to discern through observation and intuition, which pieces of input and feedback are coming from a place of love and which ones are coming from the fear and lower vibrating emotions of others. You become more able to know intuitively which things resonate with you and which are just stories that either someone else is trying to get you to buy into or perhaps even that you have been telling yourself.

Someone recently hurled a bunch of really negative statements at me that were the opposite of pretty much everything I know to be true about myself. I know and love myself so if I am to accept this person’s story about me it would mean really changing my own view and opinion of me in a very negative way. I think you know me well enough to know that this is not going to happen. Still, being in shock I shared this with someone with whom I am very close and know extremely well. Their input was the polar opposite. So now I’ve got the input of two people and get to choose which story to accept, it’s just a matter of making that choice and moving on.

When the genesis of the communication is love then we are able to share ideas and input in a way that empowers and uplifts each other.

This can also help us to reflect on our own communication style and emotional genesis of our communications with others as well as the vision that it creates in them. If someone is hurling insults at you, trying to get you to lower your opinion of yourself and what is possible in life then it is coming from their own hurt, anger and fears they are trying to project upon you. When the genesis of the communication is love then we are able to share ideas and input in a way that empowers and uplifts each other.

You can easily see how ridiculous these stories are from a distance but close up they are riddled with emotion and can be a bit more tricky to navigate.

Back to the old stories though because they really illuminate how ridiculous it can be to blindly accept the stories that other people want to tell you about yourself (or you have begun to tell yourself thanks to the constant conditioning of those around you). About 20 years ago I was day dreaming outloud about having my own place and how much I looked forward to that. A family member proceeded to tell me that this would never be possible and that it would just be impossible for me to ever afford or have a place on my own, ever.  This seemed preposterous to me because at that time I already knew people with lower income and fewer skills than I had who in fact had their own places. So I protested and still they adamantly affirmed that this is what they believe to be true. I thought to myself, “well if I believed that to be true I should probably just kill myself right now because apparently I am inherently incapable of self-care and support.”  Story rejected immediately. But imagine what if I had let it seep in- what if I began to believe that story? How might my life have unfolded differently on so many levels? You can easily see how ridiculous these stories are from a distance but close up they are riddled with emotion and can be a bit more tricky to navigate.

Fast forward to a few years ago. I knew a person who actually tried to convince me that literally everyone on the other side of my front door (yes the front door of my own home- imagine that!) was evil and out to hurt me. Well by now I’m all me and so of course I said to them, “no thanks.” He was shocked by my reply and asked what “no thanks” meant. So I explained that I supported his right to believe what he believes and that there was no need to debate it in anyway but that I do not accept this as my belief. Again in the back of my mind thinking “why would I ever leave my house or set out each day to experience and live any type of life if I really and truly believed that to be true.” Another example of a ridiculous story that, had I choose to believe it, would drastically have altered the course of my life in a negative way.

In this case the person believed that story- that was the story they told themselves. I have no idea how it got in their head but I do know them well enough to know that this belief or story has greatly affected their daily life. I don’t know where this story entered their life but I’m willing to bet their whole entire life might have played out differently had they realized they had the choice to reject it at any time and move in a different direction.

Why are the stories so important?

Why are the stories so important? You see these stories create your beliefs and your mindset. Your whole network of neural pathways gets built around these stories. The ability of your subconscious mind to lead you toward the different choices and options in every little nuance of life is directed by these stories, this vision. The stories that we choose to accept literally creates our reality. When you recognize a story coming your way always take a moment to check in with your intuition. Take a moment to observe the emotions and motivations of the person selling the story. Think about how buying into the story will change the way your life unfolds. It goes both ways- some stories are great and create a positive vision. Some are negative and eat away at your self-esteem and ability to prosper. Some things are not stories at all but sincere feedback coming from a place of love. Deep down we all know the difference, it’s just a matter of doing a little pattern interrupting and stepping back to look at these communications a bit more objectively when they are going on.

Like anything else this pattern interrupting will change your habit of being. Checking in with and trusting your intuition will strengthen it. Soon you will find yourself intuitively zigging and zagging through the clutter of emotion based communications from others with greater ease and self-confidence.  Who’s the author of your story anyway? You!

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Replacing Fear with Self-confidence

You know that crappy feeling in your gut when something is going on (in your mind usually) and you feel that old familiar feeling of fear brewing? It sucks and the sooner you can dissipate it, the more able you become to face and move away from whatever it is that is stimulating that feeling of fear inside you.

First let’s look at where the fear coming from? Putting aside the “I’m in the jungle facing a lion who is about to eat me” situation, fear is almost always an emotion that we generate or at least fuel within ourselves. The catalysts might be an event or person or situation in life but ultimately the extent to which that fear takes hold is determined within each of us. In most cases you can trace the root of fear to one of these causes:

1.      Indecision: Once we know what course of action we want to take, we feel confident and inspired to move forward.

2.      Doubt: Once we eliminate doubt the end result becomes irrelevant because we have full acceptance, confidence and self-love right here, right now and nothing more needs to occur. We have replaced out self-doubt with confidence and self-love.

When we become decisive and self-confident that  fear becomes replaced with resolve, ingenuity, enthusiasm & visions forwhatever greater future we see ourselves moving toward as well as acceptance for who and where we are right now.  At this point, no matter what is going on in your life you become infinitely more capable of navigating it with peace in your heart  and focused energy and vision in your mind.

So how can you move from indecision & doubt to decisiveness and confidence? By trusting your intuition and leaning into your own self-love you can quickly move from fear paralysis to inspired action. We all already have the answers within us, within our own consciousness. We have just been taught to look outside of ourselves for the answers. We have been taught to take a much less productive course of action when it comes to thinking through problems and our own emotions. Rather than looking within, becoming comfortable with our own intuitive knowing and moving forward confidently, we are taught to think about outside solutions, influences, possible outcomes and weigh and second guess all possible outcomes. At which point we either choose a course of action and hope for the best or choose to do nothing and remain in our situation.

We’ve all done this because we learn it through the conditioning of almost everyone around us. Few of us are blessed with a role model who teaches us by example, how to trust our intuition and move forward confidently when faced with a pivot point in life. Nope. We’re going to think that stuff through, make a bunch of list, weigh the pros and cons of every choice and overthink ourselves right into a deeper and more gripping fear.

How much of your fear is really based on the fact that intuitively you know you are not following your heart, not being true to yourself?

Ask yourself this. How much of your fear is really based on the fact that intuitively you know you are not following your heart, not being true to yourself? How much of it is bases on the idea that you are letting yourself downby seeking answers outside of yourself? Probably a lot of it! In this way all of that thinking and planning and strategizing just erodes your self-confidence and your connection to your inner self.

Try Something different! The next time you feel fear creeping in (fears about money, love, your station in life, a specific event or situation, which college to choose or job to take- whatever!)  try this approach.

  • Close your eyes and take several deep breaths
  • Let your body relax
  • Remind yourself by repeating aloud or in your head “I am wise and true and good and kind, I know intuitively, within me, exactly what I need to do”  repeat this several times as you continue to take deep breaths.
  • Let the fear feeling come for a visit and as it rolls around ask yourself “is this fear coming fromindecision or doubt”
  • Allow the answer to arise within you
  • If the root of the fear is indecision then repeat with each deep breath“I have the all of the answers within me and I intuitively know what to do”  Do this several times.
  • Next take a very deep breath and state “my decision is to_______” let your heart, mind and intuition fill in the blank with whatever comes first to mind.
  • If the root of the fear is doubt then repeat with each deep breath all of the positive features about yourself that prove this doubt wrong. For example if your fear is about a job that you are loosing you might repeat “I am highly skilled and will find an even better position that speaks to my soul “I am an amazing teacher and will find an even more flexible and rewarding position.” Etc. 

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5 Daily Ways to Increase Self-love

 

When it comes to practicing self-love there are no down sides. It only makes life better! Despite the selfie nature of our modern lives, self-love is often last on our list of priorities & daily practices. That’s just nuts in my book. The old airplane adage “Please put your own oxygen mask on before assisting others” applies here. Do you want more love in your life? Well guess what? Your ability to engage with love in the world increases dramatically when you foster it authentically from within first.   Like everything, the more you practice it, the more it will grow. Here are 5 quick easy ways to develop more self-love.

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